The new rules

June 4, 2009

These are not strict rules that say what you can and cannot do, like the laws of the land.  More, guildlines for a relationship, specifically, William’s and mine.

Last night felt more like a booty call when I turned up at William’s at nearly 1am.  I choose to blame my friend who got me lost in town, and we spent our time looking for any road sign that mentioned where we wanted to be.  But it wasn’t a booty call, as we were both tired, and had to be up uber early in the morning.  That didn’t stop William wanting me.  It didn’t stop me wanting William.  But it did stop me wanting sex.  

The prospect of a semi-decent night’s sleep in times when my thesis is due for submission in 8 days was too alluring.  But William wouldn’t take ‘no’ for an answer.  Many times he forced my hand down to his crotch, where there were no clothes restricting access, as he’d announced he was naked a few moments earlier.  I tried to pleasure him without actual penetrative sex, but it didn’t satisfy him, and he just kept pestering, until I decided to curl up in a ball on the edge of the bed, no pillow and minimal duvet, and go to sleep, ignoring him the best I could.

During sleep, we gravitated to our usual entwined position of sleep, but I had to wake up and remember why I was annoyed with him and pull away.  In the early morning light, I got up silently and left.

Phone calls a couple of hours later were an attempt to solve this problem: neither of us could wait until later this evening to sort it out, and it seemed silly to keep each other in suspense.

So the new rules are:

  • To do more stuff together outside of the bedroom.  At the moment, it’s just sex and sleeping.  Pretty boring, and guaranteed to make one feel like nothing more than a fuck buddy,
  • Try and forget about the fact we have thesis’s to do and hand in, and revision to do.
  • I need to try and play with him more, and acknowledge the fact he, too, requires just as much attention as me during sex.
  • William needs to acknowledge that when I say ‘not tonight, babe’ to sex, I mean it.  No emotional blackmail/pressure/forcing my hand down to hard on.

End of an Era

June 19, 2008

Will be out of action for a while longer it seems, I have a broken heart to mend now.  Me and Barry broke up earlier tonight.

I don’t particularly want to go into details…but I ended it.  Or more specifically, I told him where the door is.

He said he didn’t love me and that he never will.

Good enough reason?

And I’m  not kidding myself with delusions of him coming to his senses and asking for me back this time next week.  Because even if he did, he wouldn’t actually pluck up the courage to do it.

I feel like I’ve wasted a year, and that all the dreams I had for the future with him have gone.  I’ve wasted a year on someone who likes me ‘a lot’, who I’ve stood by through thick and thin…to end up with this.  Although I know it’s not true, I feel like there’s something wrong with me.  What’s so bad about me that he couldn’t fall in love with me?  After everything?  I feel exactly how I did a year ago (to the day, in fact) when I got out of the abusive relationship I was in, where I felt like I deserved to be treated that way.  And you know who picked up the pieces?  Barry did.

I just….I find it hard to believe he doesn’t love me.  Things he does, the way he is (was) makes me think he loved me.  But in truth I know he’s scared that the long-distance relationship would tear us apart and he’d love in vain.

I feel like I’ll never find anyone as good (if that’s the appropriate word here).  I thought I’d be sad about being single and missing sex, but in truth….I miss him.

Eeeeeeeee!

June 10, 2008

Uni work completed!  All handed in…wow…that’s 3 years gone!  Looking forward to another four though, then I’ll be a a PhD-er

What I’m looking forward to even more though is:

LESS THAN 24 HOURS TO GO!!!!!! (Until I see Barry, obviously) Am feeling sleepy, and am more looking forward to just seeing him, rather than having sex.  That will probably be something for the weekend, but will be quite happy curling up in his arms and talking about our weekends.

Besides…with all this nice weather I feel like an al fresco session….

What’s your song?

June 7, 2008

You know, every couple should have a song.  Something that when you hear it, it reminds you of your significant other.  In my mother’s day (as she fondly recalls) it was whatever song was number one when you got together with your bf/gf.  But that can’t really apply today, as I don’t think Flo Rida’s ‘Low’ would be suitable.  Imagine on your wedding day, when they play ‘your song’ and out comes, blasting at high volume ‘SHORTY GOT LOW LOW LOW LOW LOW…’ etc etc.

I think this is better in a way, as you get to choose a song that means something more.  You can even pick more than one.  Me and Barry have at least two.  There’s one that I have that is exactly how I feel about Barry.  And there’s the one that we both realised was our favourite off of our favourite album (how cool is that?!).

I thought I’d post this, because out of my 5 days of music I have stored on my computer (I am a music geek), those two songs have just come on.  Which prompted me to send a ‘I miss you’ text to him.

So

What’s your song?

Forgiveness

June 1, 2008

I was at a wedding the other day, and the vicar was giving his sermon and it struck a note, not only with the bride and groom I think, but me as well. He said ‘No matter what you do that annoys each other, you must forgive. Don’t make a list in your head of all the times they’ve done the same thing’.

Which is a good point, I think it’s a very good idea. But at what point does forgiving all the time become you just being a doormat, and spineless wimp, a ghost of who you used to be? If there’s giving and taking…if you forgive and the reciprocate actually does make an effort, and gives in other way, does that count? But what if you tell them it pisses you off and the effort is ok…but still not good enough and they slip back into old ways?

I want my Barry back, the one that was here just a few weeks ago. Yeah, sure, when he’s here now, there’s still snippets of his old self: he’s making an effort, he’s doing his work aroundme, so he can still see me. But the bad is dramatically outweighing the good. My mother says I should stick it out; I think I’m being a doormat. I’m giving it a couple more weeks, then I’ll know whether I’m a doormat or not.

The marathon quickie

April 28, 2008

Or quickie marathon. Either or. That’s because it wasn’t a quickie (I don’t think Barry does quickies!) but it wasn’t the usual 4 hours marathon of sex we have when we haven’t seen each other. Somewhere in between. I’m not complaining. After all, it’s quality, not quantity 😉

Last night was good, obviously having 6 weeks apart did something! I think he had missed me 🙂 Barry was still pretty run down from the stress of the previous exam week, but I don’t think even that could prevent how much he wanted me. He walked through the door looking very hot (he’d been shopping, his bi-annual shopping trip) and I closed the door and immediately started kissing him and stripping him naked. He had worn my favourite boxers as well, but they weren’t on for long. He had a harder time undressing me, as I had worn a dress over a lace bustier with ties and fastenings and all sorts, crotchless thong, stockings and garter belt. In the end he just threw me on the bed and whilst nuzzling my neck he thrust his hard cock into me.

Gosh, I had forgotten how big he was! It took me a while to adjust, but I came so quickly, probably just because I finally had him inside of me! He started rocking me to another orgasm, with my leg hooked over his shoulder and kissing me with such force. After my second orgasm in about five minutes, he said he wanted me naked, so helped me strip myself down (he can’t work out how suspenders are attached) then proceeded to fuck me again, this time fondling my breats and licking my nipples, and all I could do was hold onto the headboard and come, yet again.

I think at this point he was close to coming, as he pulled out and made his way down and started licking my clit in long, slow, languid stroke, and probed my pussy with two fingers, which curled round and pushed against my G-spot. He was gently sucking on clit, alternating making little circles with his tongue, all the while his finger were delving as far as they could go. When I couldn’t take anymore, he returned, and I kissed him as I wanted to taste myself on his lips. Then I rolled him over and showed him what he’d been missing: I licked and sucked on his balls one at a time, then slowly licked the entire length of his cock, and teased him by swirling once around the tip, and then returned to the base. I licked that base of his cock, whlie massaging his balls, and then sucked gently on the top of his cock, and then lowered myself down sooo sloooowly. I could hear him swearing under his breath, his hands were tangled in my hair as I took the entire length of him into my mouth, making me gag a bit. I could feel him twitching, so withdrew and gave him a long kiss.

I asked him if he wanted me to make him come, and he didn’t say anything, he just positioned his cock at my pussy and thrust upwards, making me scream and grip onto him for support. I moved up and down, and he thrust upwards to meet me, grabbing my hips. I leaned forward to kiss his neck rocked backwards and forwards, still hearing him cursing under his breath, so I knew it was making him feel good, and he was close to coming. What was stopping him I wonder? I whispered ‘Come for me’ in his ear, but he replied ‘I’m not finished with you yet’ and gripped my hips with such force and thrust upwards, again and again, causing me to fall on him, and them I came again.

I needed to rest after that performance, so we did for a bit. Then I needed to get up and close the blinds, as it was getting dark. Just as I had closed the last blind, he sprang up behind me and started kissing my neck and doing that wonderful Barry technique: licking my neck up and down and swirling his tongue over my pulse and gently sucking. He did this on both sides, all the time running his hands over my body, like he wanted to feel every inch of me, like he couldn’t believe I was actually there in front of him. Then he bent me over my desk and said ‘I’ve wanted to do this all night’ and thrust into me so hard, it rocked the desk, as I was gripping onto it hard. He started my moving in and out slowly, kissing my back and teasing my nipples with his right hand and grabbing my hip with his left. Then I told him I wanted it harder, faster, and that I wanted him to come in me. His right hand moved down to stroke my clit, and he pounded me with such force, the desk was shaking. We came together and he collapsed onto my back and planted little kisses there.

After that we were pooped and fell into bed under the duvet, curled up in each others arms. We stayed like that for the rest of the night, him spooning me, with his arms around me. We watched a movie (Underworld – you gotta love that leather/pvc outfit Kate Beckinsale wears!) and he gave me little massages, helped me with my uni work and then fell asleep, still hugging me. In fact, even when he rolled over in the night, he always had some part of his body in contact with mine, even if it was just his leg over mine.

I know this sounds silly, but although he hasn’t said ‘I love you’, I feel it. I know that he’s scared that if he says it, it’s all going to go horribly wrong and we’ll break up, especially with the long distance thing looming. But the bond between us is different somehow, in a good way, to how it was last term. Maybe it’s just because he’s more content now he has his PhD stuff sorted and exams out of the way. But he was always affectionate towards me anyway, but yesterday more so.

Yes, I am silly.

Men!

April 20, 2008

One in particular.

I’ve just spoken to Barry, whose first exam is tomorrow. All he could do is moan about how hard they are, and how he’s not looking forward to Wednesday’s exam cause it’s horrible and evil etc. etc. Not once did he say ‘how’s your revision going?’ or ‘how many have you got tomorrow?’ So I ‘innocently’ dropped in that I was quite worried about tomorrow’s exams being as I have FOUR. What did he say? ‘ah’. Ah. That’s it!

You know, if it wasn’t for the fact that when I passed an important exam a few weeks ago, which he never congratulated me on (in fact, he never bothered replying to the text) and the fact he never replied to the text where I told him my nan had terminal cancer, I would put it down to exam stress. But this is just on-going. And it’s pissing me off. Worse still, gonna be in the same exam hall as him tomorrow morning. I really just want to scream and tell him to stop being so self-centred!

Maybe it is exam stress (or PhD stress a few weeks ago). But I’m fed up of being the concerned girlfriend and just getting ‘ah’ in return.

UPDATE: saw Barry today….first time in 5 weeks. Was nice, a few kisses, even got a ‘I missed you too’ out of him. Then I asked if I was seeing him Friday, and he said ‘no we’re having a house party’. No invitation. Pfft. I’m off out then!