Long title, I know.  It should actually read: How ‘New guy’ went from lust object, to fuck buddy, to friend, to me-realising-he’s-a-waste-of-my-time.

Things were going well: the sex was great, and when we were together I felt appreciated and included in his life.  I had been introduced to friends, and as we worked in similar fields it was great to talk to someone who knew what i was rambling on about.  Reading back on this last paragraph, all these qualities, except the ‘sex being great’ quality, identifies a friend.

As the long distance and our work prevented us spending greater periods of time apart, we relied on emails, texts and phone calls for communication.  But even after a while I would go days, sometimes a week or more without hearing from him!  This brought back my old feelings of insecurity and worthlessness.

Thanks to a few wonderful friends, I realised this wasn’t actually a relationship.  If we met up one weekend every two months, that was just friends with benefits.  There was no basis for any real emotions to be going on, and I had entered the realm of friendship (with sex) instead of an intense, passionate relationship.  I cut to the chase and told him that if he wanted to continue seeing me (albeit sparsely) he should make an effort to communicate more.

I got a reply at 1am the next morning saying he didn’t get in from work until 11pm and was tired and going to bed.  How else to take this?  I suggested we remain friends.  Which is what we’d wound our way to being in the end.

However, I was happy that we still chatted.  I was grateful for his advice on how to handle office politics and just the general chit-chat.  I actually thought I’d managed to do something that had previously eluded me – keep a ex as a friend.  All this changed when I told him I was dating someone new.  He went a bit, well….weird and made a sarcastic comment on it and proceeded to compeltely ignore me.

How to lose a guy, even as a friend, in a few easy steps.


November 9, 2008

So in my previous post, the man in question was indeed Barry.  As some of my readers will know, yes, Barry wasn’t exactly the best boyfriend, but that didn’t stop me loving him.  Something about him just made me putty in his hands, and it seems that 5 months on, things haven’t really changed.  Oh, and fellow bloggers: no ‘I told you so’ please!  I had one friend literally clip me round of the back of the head when I told her.  

He started texting me, saying that he was serious about giving things another go, even though it would be long distance.  He said he hadn’t really got over me and was actually making the effort to talk to me every day.  You will be pleased to know I didn’t buckle straight away:  I made him work a while before booking my ticket to go see him, and decided to book my tickets for this weekend, to make him wait a bit more.  

Then, 24 hours before I was due to jump onto that train, he text me saying he’d ‘accidently’ acquired a girlfriend whilst under the influence of alcohol.  And, being as I know Barry so well, I know he isn’t capable of rational thought to actually say to new girlfriend Peach ‘can I think about it?’ and wait until after our weekend together to make a more informed decision.  Needless to say, I was just a teeny bit pissed off, seeing as it was too late to get a refund on my tickets as well.  Also, I am way prettier than her!  

After a very long a difficult conversation where he said he felt terrible, and he didn’t intend to treat me so badly, I severed all ties with him.  I know that this is just a matter of convenience for him: she is there with him and he can see her anytime he wants, whereas I am here, incapable of seeing him on a regular basis.  

After a moment of ‘why am I treated like this? What is wrong with me?’ I kind of gave myself a slap (not literally) and told myself: it’s not me with the problem here.

The men in my life

September 15, 2008

Why hello there.

I have returned to England!  I have a tan, of sorts, as much as I can tan really, as my skin is so pale it just normally burns and never tans.  I digress.

France was lovely, but I didn’t have nearly enough time to do everything I wanted to do!  Although, it has given me the travelling bug again.  This was the first holiday I’ve had on my own ever, and also the first holiday I’ve had since before I went to university.  So about three years.  Felt amazing to do what I wanted and not have to consult the family first!  So am contemplating what to do next year after completing the MSc (oh yeah, my university officially sucks.  Will be PhD-ing elsewhere!)

Look at this sea:

Don’t care much for French men (sorry).  The selection that I saw didn’t really do anything for me.  Then again, I am still very much in the stage of comparing every man in existence to Johnny.  He is currently in deepest darkest depths of China climbing mountains again.  I managed to keep up to date with his travels while I was away, which was a bonus, but still not as good as talking to the man himself.  Soon, I hope!  I have so many fantasies running through my head, I’ve just got to pick which one I want to put on here first 😉

The other men in my life are mainly Barry (yes, him) and Guy.  Barry appears to have dragged himself out of his ‘I’ll ignore you constantly’ phase and has actually kept his word about being friends.  We have been having conversations (not all the time, perhaps once a fortnight) of decent lengths, just to catch up, or leaving each other silly messages on facebook.  I am very pleased by this, as I hate not talking to people, unless they absolutely deserve it, obviously, so this has turned out well.  I think, in the end, it took him to get over us than it did me.  But then again he perhaps went about it the correct way….

Which leads me to Guy:  bless him, he still talks to me when he can, dropping me messages just to see how I’m doing.  I do feel bad about how things turned out, but he seems happy enough so I am happy too.

Au revoir!

September 8, 2008

Just like Drinker and ILB, I am too off to France on holiday. Johnny is slightly miffed at the fact he won’t be able to talk to me for a few days, but I need a break god dammit!

See you all later when I return, tanned and relaxed 🙂

I’ve been lucky enough to speak to Johnny every day since he left the U.K. even if is only for a short time each time.  Time differences mean that as I’m getting up in the morning, it’s the afternoon there.  He’s now off exploring in remote regions so I’m not sure when I’ll hear from him again.  But I’ll be strong!  It’s the little snippets of conversation we have that I replay in my head that keeps me going when I have weak moments.

I would put a link to his blog on here, but then he’d know that I am LS, and maybe he wouldn’t like it :s but take it from me, the latest entry made me cry!  He misses me, and has been thinking about me whilst he’s over there.  Which is good 🙂 now all he has to do is to think about me for the next 10 months!

Fantasising about next summer already, but not enough to form a proper story yet.  Give it a few more days/weeks 🙂

Time zones

August 31, 2008

Time zones suck.  I’ve just gone online, Johnny was on, started talking and he had to go, cause is half past midnight in China and he’s still got jet-lag from yesterday.  It sucks!

Miss him 😦

I’m a soppy cow

Decadence Part 2

August 29, 2008

I feel really bad, as I want this to be an account of my time with Johnny before he jets off on his fantabulous holiday. But unfortunately it seems sleep in between these two parts has left me hazy on events :S I will endevour to try my best however!

  • So I left you last time with me and Johnny basking in post-orgasmic bliss. I was still up for more, But Johnny needed time to recover. Perfect timing for pillow talk! We talked about me and him, how I actually developed the balls to tell him how I felt (or, to put it correctly, just kiss him. I always think the direct approach is best), and how he thought I fancied someone else, and that I would never like him. We also talked about what to do next year: he will reach Australia sometime in May, but I will still be studying, so we decided to wait until he’s settled down and I’ll go over and visit him. This is, of course, dependent on him not meeting someone else who he’ll fall madly in love with. He doesn’t want me to put my life on hold for him, but he said he’ll stay in touch as often as he can. He also seems to think I’ll meet someone else, hence the not putting life on hold. This may sound completely daft, but due to me actually getting it right when I thought he fancied me, I think that perhaps he is more afraid of me forgetting about him, than him meeting someone else. Judging from how he was with me that morning, I think he really REALLY likes me. And I’m hoping that the following events will cement me in his memory:

After much pillow talk, he leaned over me and whispered ‘I want you again’ in my ear. Both of us were lying on our sides, and I tossed my leg over his, pulling him to me, kissing him. There’s nothing like a man saying he wants you to turn you on. But this time I was in charge. I straddled him, kissing him and slowly working my way down, via his neck and nipples, which I gave a gentle nip with my teeth. I teased him slightly as I got closer towards his cock, by starting kissing his knees and working up again. Finally, I stopped teasing him and licked the entire length of his cock, swirling around the tip, stroking the underneath with my tongue before taking the entire length in my mouth. My left hand stroked his balls whilst I slowly licked his cock in very languid strokes. I could feel him twitch in my mouth, and I could tell he was enjoying it so I stopped and positioned myself above him, and he thrust upwards to meet my downwards movement. I rode him like this for a short time, before I pulled him up so he was sitting up and I could kiss him. I think it was too much for him, as he lay back down and pulled me down and kissed me, thrusting upwards as I moved down on his cock. This felt so good, but I wanted it to be spectacular: I sat upright again, moving my hips in a circular position and fingering that bit between his balls and arsehole, and this was pure bliss for him. I was close to another orgasm, and with his hands on my hips, he was moving me around on his cock as I felt him shudder again beneath me.

Laying down again, catching our breath, looking at him was like looking at someone who’d had an epiphany: He said that that was amazing, that even though he didn’t actually come, he felt loads of pins and needles throughout his whole body, and it was the best thing ever.

So of course, he hadn’t come, and he was like a beast that had been let out of his cage. He told me to lie on my side again, as he entered me from behind. Slowly at first, before grabbing my hip and pounding into me hard, my leg up in the air. I grabbed hold of his hand and moved it to my clit, so both our hands were rubbing profoundly on my clit as he brought me to orgasm. This was a mini orgasm I think, less powerful than the others.

We next went into the doggie position, with me on all fours, and him positioned between my legs. This didn’t last long, as it’s my favourite and most likely to get me off. I was feeling sore from being pounded but at the same time I didn’t want it to stop. He held me as he thrust his cock into me, but not removing it, just swirling his hips around until he came inside me again. He collapsed onto his legs, dragging me with him, so we were sitting on top of each other, but facing away. He wrapped his arms around my front, and I could feel the warm breath on my back, every so often interrupted by his kisses. As I felt his cock slide out of me I literally collapsed on the bed. I was sated (for now) and we resumed our entwined position in bed, him wrapping me up in his arms, and yet more pillow talk. One of the best things (scrap that – it was ALL GOOD! But a nice part) was the attention I got after orgasm: him dragging me closer to him, holding me in his arms, me nestled up resting my head in that nook formed by his chest and arm. The little kisses that he loved so much (he said I kiss just how he wants to be kissed, hence why there was so much of it!). Not always with loads of tongue, little sips of the mouth, with his hand at the back of my head (yum). I told him I liked it like that too. He seemed surprised that such a simple thing is what makes me go weak at the knees for him.

This recovery period was longer than before, partly because *I* needed to recover as well. But he is very good at turning me on. I want to know where men learn to do the whole kissing of the neck so well tehcnique, including licking. Because it’s just fantastic. Is there a handbook? Anywho, I was so turned on again, I quite forcefully made him lie on his back and went down on him again, this time, intending to go for gold. I could hear him swearing under his breath, and occasionally taking my head in his head and moving my mouth up and down his cock how he liked it. I thought he was going to come, but then nothing. Then he called my name, and I stopped what I was doing, thinking I’d done something wrong, but all his said was ‘ride me’. I must have looked puzzled: I mean, blow jobs were my specialty! It was then he explained that he’d never actually come from a blow job before, he didn’t know why, but it did feel really good. ‘But I know what feels better’, he said, meaning he wanted me on top again.

This was slower, more relaxed than my previous outing on top with him. I felt in control, as I was on top, but at the same time, just as vulnerable (if that makes sense) as him, as we were face to face, both of us feeling the intensity of the movements I made. I held the back of his head in my hand so I could lift his head up slightly to kiss me. It felt good, but not enough to bring us to orgasm (too many perhaps?) and we shifted positions again, with him on top. I think it was here that he went down on me, but I can’t be sure! Sorry, but I did warn you I was hazy on the timing of events. Anywho, he kissed his way down my body, and I knew what was coming next, something I’d been longing for in all honesty. He swirled his tongue around my clit, alternating with upwards and downwards strokes. Then he stretch the skin to expose my clit even more, which was pure bliss. I was buckling under his mouth and I could feel my come trickling down me into his mouth. Then he stopped and I pulled him up so I could kiss him. I said ‘you taste of me’, to which he replied with just a smile, and positioned his cock at my pussy again. This was more ferocious, and I had misjudged where my head was in relation to the headboard, so it banged against it as he pounded me. But he placed his hand on the top of my head to stop my head hitting the board. With his other hand he lifted my leg up, so he could enter me even further. I love that, so it didn’t take long to tip me over the edge again!

He wanted me on all fours again but as he pulled out of me and I got up he had this expression on his face that read ‘actually, I can’t wait that long for you to turn around, I want you NOW!’ and pulled me down onto of him so he was sitting up, with his legs bent, and I was on top, using the bottom of his bed as leverage to rock us both to the peak of pleasure. My legs started to ache, so he flipped me over and entered me from behind again. This was the quickest orgasm of our session, a few powerful thrusts and we were both coming all over the place. As we returned to our previous position of us kneeling down with me on top, his heavy breathing on my back, I could feel the come from both of us trickle down between us.

We lay back down in bed, his head resting once more on my chest, his arms wrapped around me, my arms wrapped around him, our legs entwined. I ran my hands through his hair, kissed his forehead, and stroked his back once more. My hand wandered down his back to find the dimples where his back ends and his buttocks start. I swear, there isn’t an ounce of fat on that man, he’s pure muscle. I was intrigued by his back: so muscly and toned, I wanted a better look. I told him to lie on his front, and I straddled him and gave him one of my back rubs (reserved only for the very special people in my life), mainly so I could admire his back, but also to give him something back after all that hard work he put into making me come so often (although he did say he loved making me so wet!). He relaxed even more, closing his eyes, as I massaged his buttocks, his back, shoulders and finally his arms. I started to plant kisses on his back, but my hair (which was a mess by this point) tickled him, which resulted in me pinning him down and tickling him. But he is deceptively strong, and somehow he managed to wriggle round and pin me down. He just held me, so close. We fell into a sort of sleep, not for long, but I managed to catch a glimpse of him sleeping – so gorgeous. I feel asleep with his arms around me.

When I woke, I saw him looking at me with sleepy eyes, and a smile on his face. He stroked my cheek with his thumb and kissed me. Then what I didn’t want to hear:

‘I don’t want you to go, but I really need to pack. And besides, the longer we spend together, the harder it will be to say goodbye’.

I knew this moment would come, but it came too soon. It always does, doesn’t it? I crept closer to him, pressing so close to him, as he hugged me so tightly. We were both sad that this was the last time for about 10 months we’d be able to do this.

I broke from the embrace first, deciding to be strong, determined not to cry or be anything but happy for him that he was going on the trip of his dreams. We got dressed, and I saw my reflection and thought ‘oh God!’ when I saw my hair. Johnny went to get me a comb.

As we walked to the door, we clung to each other, hugging and kissing. He told me not to put my life on hold for him, and to study hard, make him proud! And I said I’d see him next summer, as long as he doesn’t meet his future wife, of course. To this he replied that I might meet someone else.

Both options are possible. But (and I know I sound daft) he isn’t the type of person to go off on one night stands, so this I’m not worried about, and even if he does, well…we’re technically on hold, so I can’t complain. And he won’t be staying in one place long enough to develop a relationship with anyone, so I am clinging to the possibility that this time next year I will be back in his arms (aren’t I soppy?). But no, I’m not going to put my life on hold, in case it all goes tits up. I’m staying busy, trying new things, carrying on with the hobbies that both Johnny and I love doing, so I can go ‘Ha! Look! I’m a black belt before you are!’ and so on and so forth. I’m not going to stay at home, waiting for an email every night. But I will look forward to next summer so much.

Today I’ve been emotional. I was thinking to myself ’24 hours ago I was with him’. And almost instantly I got a text from him saying that he was thinking the same thing. I’m sad that he’s going but I’m looking forward to seeing all the pictures of these gorgeous places he’s going to, and telling him about MY adventures, even if they are restricted to this country. I ache from all the sex yesterday, but I don’t want the aching to go away, I want it to stay, as a reminder as it were. I’m scared also of being hurt. But my mom said something to me today: she gave him a picture of me years ago for him to scan into the computer so it could be blown up and given to my nan, who at the time was short sighted. Apparently he just looked at my photo and was speechless, and was just breathtaken by it (sorry, I don’t mean to sound vain here, just going on what I was told). But he hadn’t met me at that point. Then this summer, I started working for him.

Yeah, I’m scared of being hurt. But I’m also very excited about what could be.