Change of scenery

November 4, 2010

It’s very difficult to have sex at your parents house.  The possible discovery of the two of you mid-coitus is terrifying.  Or at least, it should be.  Occam and myself found it quite exhilarating, the prospect of being walked in on made it all the more kinky: it was naughty, we shouldn’t have been doing it there, it was bad.  But oh-so-good.

So this got me to thinking (in a Carrie Bradshaw fashion) about moving things out of the bedroom, and into more exciting places:

1. Your backyard.  Not very kinky,I hear you say?  Well, I figured if you’ve never had outdoor sex before, this is a good place to start.  You’re still on your property, and can run inside if you get cold feet (both literally and metaphorically).  But wouldn’t it be tres cute if you bumped uglies under the stars? 🙂

2. In a hot tub/jacuzzi/bath.  I can vouch for this one personally.  The water acts as a sort-of lubricant, so how’s about adding a little anal play while you’re at it?

3. Off the beaten track in the woods.  But take a map so you don’t get too lost.

4. The car, in a secluded spot.  I would like to other a few tips on this: make sure it’s a big car  (not a Ford Ka).  You want aches that make you remember your steamy session, not aches that mean you can’t sit up properly for two days.  Also, make sure it’s in a very secluded spot.  I have heard stories about peeping Toms that would make you cringe.

5. A nightclub, to a certain extent.  Now, there are still a few fetish nightclubs about in the big cities (London, Birmingham at least) for you and your lover to pop along and get very frisky and then take the sex home.  Remember, sex in public is illegal.

And a few places to not have sex:

1. Your office/place of work.  You run the risk of being fired.  Not cool.

2. The beach.  I don’t need to tell you about the exfoliating properties of sand.  Do you want that in those places?  Also, beaches contain a lot of faecal matter, so I really wouldn’t recommend it.

3. A graveyard.  Just too creepy and a little bit wrong.

So take these into consideration and explore a change of scenery.  Your sex life will love it.

4 Responses to “Change of scenery”

  1. Awwww. I’ve always wanted to have sex in an interesting place – outside, in the woods, in a nightclub, all those sort of places… but never have, really. Makes me sad – oh so sad.

    I have had sex in my parents’ house though, I have. Must be over a hundred times by now. And every time a good one.

  2. lacestockings Says:

    Well, it’s an easy enough wish to fulfill 😉 perhaps you should make it a new years resolution?

    I get slightly nervous about doing anything more than holding hands in my parents house, for fear of discovery. Perhaps I should follow your lead?

  3. Please do follow my lead, and have incredibly loud sex in your parents’ house (my lovely girlfriend is a screamer, so it’s unavoidable). They’ve no right to berate you or anything, it’s your prerogative to be having sex after all!

  4. lacestockings Says:

    Yes, because to be fair, how are we supposed to go a whole weekend without sex?! I can just imagine the conversation over breakfast the next day! 😀

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